That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
