I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
