I accidentally burped into my bong.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
