fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
