I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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