i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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