guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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