i wish my penis had a tongue
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
