i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
