Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
