Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
