So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Fuck appropriateness.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
