She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
