I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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