so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
