My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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