My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
