My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
