I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
