my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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