is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You are the jesus of drinking
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize