i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
