Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
