omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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