I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
