My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
