Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
