I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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