Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize