If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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