wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
