i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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