took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
