he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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