my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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