This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
