Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize