she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
