I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
