you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
