cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
