Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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