im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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