Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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