Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
