genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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