I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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