Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
