fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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