I'm so fucking centered right now
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize