apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
