I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize