I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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