So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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