he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
