My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
