Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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