I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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