I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
