Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
